Dietary Intervention
by aechfic
Summary: When he thinks about it too long, his head starts to hurt... LuZo; spoilers for Ch485 and earlier; warnings for mpreg parody with real medical basis that started as a stupid joke and turned into a serious on-going story. What? Nope, no idea.
1. Chapter 1

He's aware that Luffy's draped haphazardly across his chest and stomach before he's fully awake, but the horrible taste in his mouth - like something awful crawled in there and died while he was sleeping - doesn't register until he blearily opens his eyes.

"Gimmie five more minutes," the captain whines sleepily as Zoro shifts him aside, burrowing under the blankets and soon resuming his faint snoring. The swordsman's tempted to rejoin him, but he's missed too many morning exercise routines thanks to that Enies Lobby insanity and he wants to check out the new gym that Franky's promised him.

He swings his legs over the side of the bunk and drops to the floor below, stifling a yawn and stretching his arms over his head. He's surprised to see that Usopp's bunk is empty; the sniper's usually only up and about shortly before Luffy. Maybe they've slept longer than he thought.

Casting his gaze about in search of his haramaki, he eventually spots it dangling from the axe head mounted to the wall and dimly remembers somebody - either Luffy or himself, he's not sure - shooting it across the room like one of Usopp's rubber bands.

He's plucking it free, cursing softly as the fabric tears on the axe blade's point, when a monstrous bolt of pain stabs through his temple. He staggers, loses his balance, and crashes into the storage lockers hard enough to dent one door.

"I didn't eat that meat, I swear!" Luffy shrieks as he shoots upright, scrabbling at the blanket covering his face. Hands up, palms held out defensively, the captain blinks at the swordsman with unfocused eyes and promptly flops over backwards out of sight. In seconds, faint snores drift down from the bunk.

Zoro snorts, rubbing his bruised elbow. He eyes the damaged locker, grimacing, because Franky's obviously poured too much of his heart and soul into this ship to take kindly to people wrecking it, but then he realizes that it's the one Sanji claimed and suddenly doesn't feel quite so guilty.

He dresses slowly, stubbornly ignoring the way his temple continues throbbing.

When he steps outside the men's quarters, he's startled to see that the sun is almost directly overhead, and it's a hell of a lot later than he anticipated. He wanders across the lawn deck, realizing belatedly that he's forgotten his boots as the grass tickles his feet.

"So the marimo finally rolled out of bed. I was starting to wonder if we needed to open the door so it'd find it's way out of the dark."

"Shut up," Zoro grumbles, sounding slightly less hostile than usual because his head's still killing him, and the bright light isn't helping. They must be passing a summer current, because it's almost uncomfortably warm and now he's really not looking forward to his weight lifting. "Oi, what time is it, ero-cook?"

"You idiots missed breakfast and lunch," Sanji grumbles as he leans back on his elbow against the Sunny's railing, rolling his cigarette between his fingers, and Zoro wonders how the hell the man can stand wearing that hideous suit in this weather.

"Shit." The swordsman scowls as he joins the cook and peers out across the Grandline, which seems sedate for a change, and although he'll never admit it, he's glad, because he's a little tired of killer waves and rampaging sea trains. They all need a chance to kick back, relax and recover from the shit they've just been through.

He sneezes suddenly, his eyes and nose itching, and realizes that Sanji reeks. He's not sure he's ever noticed it before, but the man smells like a goddamn ashtray, and his stomach roils uneasily. "Oi, get that shitty thing outta my face."

"Woke up on the wrong side of the bunk this afternoon?" Sanji inquires pointedly, deliberately blowing a lungful of smoke into the swordsman's face and smirking when other pirate fans at the air with both hands, coughing and looking disgusted.

The smile on the cook's face abruptly vanishes when Zoro pales, then leans forward and vomits over the railing so forcefully that Sanji lunges and grabs him by the collar to keep him from falling overboard.

"Jeez, you must have one hell of a hangover," he tells the swordsman, who's too busy wiping his face on his shirt front and trying not to start retching again to notice the hand on his back. "I know we all got a little smashed last night, but at least I can still remember how many mugs I drank."

Zoro glares at him with watery eyes and spits phlegm over the railing. His stomach protests noisily to the smoke and seafood odors clinging to the cook, and he sits down suddenly, yanking Sanji off balance. "I don't get hangovers. It's you - you fucking stink."

His gut lurches and he rocks forward, putting his head between his knees and struggling to keep his breathing deep and even because he really doesn't want to throw up again, not in front of this asshole.

Sanji watches him uneasily. He knows Zoro drank a hell of a lot yesterday evening - they all did, celebrating Robin's rescue and Usopp's return and the addition of their newest, possibly most unique crew member - but he's seen the swordsman drink just as much before. And he hates to admit that Zoro's right, but he can't remember ever seeing the man this ill in the past. Bleeding and half-dead from injuries, yes, but hacking up a lung over a little cigarette smoke?

"Maybe I should go get Chopper…"

"Don't bother - I'm fine."

"Oi, Marimo, you just hurled like you were trying to set a projectile record. There's obviously something wrong," the cook insists. "I'll go find him."

"I said forget it!"

When Zoro's fist punches his hip, Sanji's even more alarmed when there's barely any force behind the blow. His body reacts automatically, foot lifting to kick the green-haired bastard in the shoulder, but he restrains himself when he notices the sweat beaded on the swordsman's face and arms.

"You idiot, can't you tell when you're sick?"

xxx

It takes Sanji nearly fifteen minutes to locate the doctor because they're all still learning where everything is on the new ship. When he and Chopper return to the lawn deck, they find Zoro curled in a fetal position in the grass, one arm tucked over his eyes to block the sun. Nami's standing nearby, the expression on her face warring between disgust and concern.

"Watch where you step. He almost got my feet."

Skirting the wet patch, Chopper lays a hoof on the swordsman's shoulder. "Zoro?"

"Oi, what's going on?" Usopp calls down from the deck atop the dining hall, his attention drawn by the crowd forming on the lawn. "Something wrong with Zoro?"

"Dumbass caught the flu or something," Sanji hollers back. He nudges the prone figure with his foot. "You better not be contagious. If Nami-san or Robin-chan get it, I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Not sick," Zoro mumbles, rolling over onto his back but keeping his arm draped over his eyes. "Just felt like taking a nap."

"You almost threw up on my feet!"

Chopper, who's been poking and prodding at his reluctant patient and ignoring the swordsman's muffled protests, sits back and looks up at Sanji and Nami. "His temperature's definitely higher than normal, but I won't know more until we get him to the infirmary."

"Franky, can you lend us a hand with this moron?"

The shipwright, who's poking his head out the aquarium bar door to see what's going on, strolls out to join them, his shirt flapping around his waist. "Sure thing, eyebrow-bro. I've gotcha covered."

"Could you please stop calling me that?"

Franky kneels down and unceremoniously scoops the unsuspecting swordsman into his arms. "Up you go!"

"Oi, put me the fuck down!" Zoro barks, arms and legs flailing wildly as he realizes what's happened. Sanji grins, enjoying his discomfort, although he's pretty certain that he'd react the same way. Because Franky really is a super - to use the shipwright's own word - nakama for giving them such an incredible ship but the whole bulging thong and bare hairy legs thing is kind of disturbing.

"Chill out, haramaki-guy! I don't wanna drop you on your head."

"I'm sure you wouldn't hurt anything if you did," Nami says dryly. She turns to Sanji. "Wake Luffy up if he hasn't gotten out of bed yet and let him know what's going on so he doesn't tear the ship apart looking for Zoro. I just know he wasn't paying attention when Franky gave us the tour."

"If I puke again," the swordsman hisses venomously at the shipwright carrying him towards the stairs, "I'm going to make sure it's on you!"

xxx

Chopper's puzzled to find that Zoro's temperature, while elevated, isn't high enough for alarm, and the swordsman finally escapes his clutches by making a hasty promise to visit the kitchen for some food before returning to bed, dosed liberally with anti-nausea medicine.

The idea of eating is entirely unappealing, but he's made a promise, so he chokes down the pieces of toast that Sanji shoves rudely across the counter at him. Luffy, red-eyed and whining loudly that he's got a migraine - because unlike the swordsman, he actually is slightly hung over - harasses the cook into making him a before-dinner snack. Sanji endures the captain hanging off his shoulders the entire time he's preparing the meal and swears adamantly that the rubber man's to never be allowed so much alcohol again.

The swordsman skulks out before he's finished, because the smell of cooking food is turning his stomach something awful and he knows he's definitely going to lose it if he watches Luffy eat. Whatever Chopper gave him isn't doing shit.

When Zoro returns to the men's quarters and claims the sofa, too exhausted to climb into their bunk, Luffy eventually wanders in - still chewing the contents of bulging chipmunk cheeks - and tries unsuccessfully to join him. Rebuked loudly by Chopper for clambering all over the sick pirate, the captain spends the evening haunting the kitchen and getting in Sanji's way again until he's kicked out for causing too much mayhem.

The oblivious swordsman sleeps through dinner, despite repeated attempts to coax him to the dining hall, but he's wide awake and very unhappy about it when the other men turn in for the night.

Over Chopper's aggrieved protests, Sanji eventually chases him outside, complaining that he can't sleep unless the shitty marimo turns out the light that he's using while polishing his blades. He spends the hours until daybreak wandering the deck with Yubashiri's hilt clutched in his hand, studying the sword's broken, rusted blade and wondering what he should do with it.

Robin studies him from the crow's nest, and he's still awake and pacing when the sun breaks over the horizon and she passes watch duties to Franky, who's puzzling over the non-committal grunt the swordsman offered in return to his exclamation that it looks as though it's going to be a super new day.

xxx

Each day settles into an unpleasant routine: after he spends all night wandering around the ship, the swordsman falls into restless sleep until mid-afternoon, at which point he wakes up too nauseated and dizzy to start strength training. The lack of sleep makes him irritable enough that everyone but Luffy steers clear, and even he's sometimes driven away and found sulking in the aquarium bar or the library, much to Robin's chagrin when she finds him building a miniature fort using her books.

The sleep-deprived swordsman tries to pick fights with Sanji, who evades him until he's hard pressed enough that he snaps, and then they squabble until someone - usually Nami, wielding fists of doom - intervenes or Zoro becomes violently ill.

He hates showing weakness, but it pleases him immensely whenever he succeeds in puking on the cook's freshly-shined shoes.

Because Zoro's stubbornness is second only to the captain's, it takes several days and his crew mates finally threatening to dump him at the next island before he finally admits defeat and drags himself back to Chopper's office.

xxx

"Oi," he announces, not waiting for the doctor to welcome him as he strolls in and drops a small round object onto Chopper's desk. It rolls towards the edge with a horrid squelching sound, and the reindeer fumbles to grab it before it falls to the floor.

"Zoro, wha- iee!" He yelps as his hoof punches a hole through the sphere's soft surface, spilling a puddle of iridescent blue liquid onto his desk blotter. It reeks like rotten eggs and fish left to dry in the sun, and Chopper gags, hurriedly dropping the thing and fumbling for a towel. "GAH! What is it?"

"Dunno, I figured they were some kind of fruit. I bought them in Water Seven before we left." The swordsman wrinkles his nose at the foul odor rising from the mess, backing away a bit when his stomach reminds him that it's still unhappy. "It must be rotten - they didn't smell this bad before."

"You ate one of these?"

"..."

"So, more than one of these things," Chopper sighs, glowering at the swordsman. "Why?"

"Luffy ate most of them!" Zoro protests. "He likes, ah, you know how he gets about new weird foods."

"Hrm, well, next time you decide to go gift shopping for Luffy, make sure you bring back something that's actually edible," Chopper states, watching the fidgeting pirate's face go red. "I don't know what you guys ate, but this is no fruit I've ever seen."

He turns back to the oozing globe on his desk. "Maybe Franky can identify it, since you said you got it from Water Seven. How'd this one escaped Luffy's gut anyway?"

"Hid it and probably forgot about it. You think eating those things messed me up?"

"It's possible that it's food poisoning," Chopper admits as he rummages through his shelves, searching for a container so he can safely relocate the thing that's stinking up his desk. "-but I'll need to run a urine and blood analysis to determine what type."

Excited by the fact that he's now got the medical equipment to run such tests, the doctor tosses an empty cup to the scowling swordsman. "Here. Please bring it back when you're done."

Zoro grumbles and snatches it from him, hoping like hell that nobody's standing out back, because there's no way he's running all the way to the toilet just so he can trot back across the lawn deck with a cup full of piss.

xxx

The next afternoon, Chopper stares down at his scribbled notes and wonders how he's going to break the news without Zoro cutting him into bloody quarters for Sanji to serve at the next meal.

In the end, it takes the doctor nearly two hours to convince the befuddled swordsman that no, he's not pulling his leg, and yes, the rest of the crew need to know. Thankfully for Chopper, Zoro's so stunned and embarrassed that he flees the infirmary without threatening bodily harm.

He spends the rest of the afternoon hiding in the men's quarters, rumbling threateningly like a uneasy volcano whenever anyone's unfortunate enough to disturb him. Much to the cook's distress, Luffy ends up hanging around the kitchen yet again, after Zoro pummels the curious captain for getting too friendly. Sanji finds himself abandoned by both his mellorines and the other crew members when the pouting younger pirate gets a bit too descriptive about his aching balls.

It's starting to get dark when Franky, Sanji and Usopp are forced to drag the flailing swordsman, spitting verbal abuse, to the dining hall where the ship's doctor has announced a meeting.

xxx

"May I have your attention?"

Chopper blushes as the noise dies down and everyone's eyes turn toward him, except for Luffy's, because the captain is hopefully nudging an onigiri at the swordsman slumped beside him on the bench. He pouts when it's waved away, shrugs and stuffs the rice ball into his own mouth.

"Go on, Chopper," Nami encourages the reindeer, who's suddenly turned bashful. "You told me that you wanted everyone here, so let's make this quick. I don't want to leave the ship without a watch any longer than needed."

"O-Okay!" Chopper blurts, his resolve strengthening as he continues. "As your primary physician, it's my job to make sure you all stay healthy, but it's also my responsibility to honor our doctor-patient confidentiality. Whatever you tell me in confidence stays between you and me, and I won't share your personal information with anyone else without your express permission."

The other Straw Hats exchange glances and nods.

"In some cases, however, your - our - nakama might need to know certain things, for everyone's safety. Because-" Chopper stalls, acutely aware that Zoro's fingers are tapping impatiently on the leather seat. "Because-"

"Get on with it," the swordsman growls.

"Zoro, stop bullying him! What's the matter with you?" Nami demands, turning in her chair to glare at him.

"Not cool," Franky mutters, crossing his arms over his chest. "What's your hang-up, bro?"

Zoro looks away, refusing to meet their accusing gazes, and Chopper panics when Sanji and Usopp both start grumbling as well. "W-wait! Please!"

The doctor paces the floor, looking extremely uncomfortable. "I told Zoro that you all needed to hear this, because it might become an issue that affects everyone. He, ah, reluctantly agreed-"

He turns to look at the swordsman nervously, but the older pirate's eyes are closed. "He agreed that you needed to know."

The others are exchanging confused looks now and stealing glances at Zoro, who continues to ignore them, although his fingers are now gripping the seat so tightly that his knuckles are turning white.

"We all know that the Grandline's very unpredictable when it comes to weather and just about everything else. That's why it's very important that we treat every unknown animal and plant as though it's potentially dangerous, and that we don't eat-"

"Fucking hell, I knew it!" Sanji exclaims, pointing an accusing finger towards the bench. "You idiots ate some weird shit again, didn't you?"

"It wasn't weird shit," Luffy protests, "It was mystery food! Zoro always brings me mystery food when we stop at an island! He knows I like-"

The swordsman coughs, color rising on his face, and thumps Luffy on the head before he can go into too much detail. The captain whines and rubs at his fresh lump.

"I told you-" the cook fumes, slamming his hand down on the table. "-not to eat stuff that we can't identify! Now Chopper's going to tell us that this idiot here's poisoned himself and has only five days to live, or something just as fucking stupid."

Usopp frowns, confused. "Oi, if Luffy ate it too, why's Zoro the one who's dying?"

"Nobody's dying!" Chopper roars, startling everyone as he momentarily goes Heavy Point.

"I found it at the open market before we left," Zoro mutters without opening his eyes. "Didn't have enough money for another sword, so I figured I'd grab lunch instead."

He abruptly decides he's said enough; if they need to know, fine, but he isn't going to be the one who explains it. "Chopper, just tell them what's going on so I can get the hell out of here. I'm tired."

"Right, right, sorry," the doctor apologizes, rubbing his hooves together. "Anyway, Zoro suspected that a fruit he and Luffy ate might have something to do with his illness, and when he brought me a piece-"

"Fruit? Akuma no Mi?"

"No, you asshole. We wouldn't eat one of those things - Luffy knows what they look like."

"Let me finish!"

"Sorry…"

"Anyway, Zoro brought me what he thought was a fruit, but Franky identified it as a yagara egg."

The shipwright grimaces. "They sell those things as sea king repellant. Didn't the vendor tell you that when you bought them? It beats me why somebody would wanna eat one, anyway - when they go off, they stink so bad that I can't imagine how they taste fresh."

"Ah, that explains why they were so cheap," Zoro muses, drawing a glare from Sanji.

"You're giving their palates too much credit, Franky. I'm not sure either of them actually tastes much of anything they eat."

"Still, a bro's gotta have a cast-iron stomach-"

Completely unconcerned that he's once again eaten something inedible and frequently used by Water Seven residents as a pesticide, the captain is tugging angrily on Zoro's sleeve and scowling up at him. "I was saving that for later! Why'd you give it to Chopper?"

"Luffy, I found it under the goddamn pillow. It was covered with lint."

"Why the hell are you shitheads hiding food in your bed? Fish eggs, even? No wonder the men's quarters smelled so weird the other-"

"SHUT UP!" Nami and Usopp shout simultaneously.

"Oi, Mugiwara, are meetings always like this?" Franky calls over to the captain, who laughs.

"Pretty much!"

"I ran tests on the egg," Chopper continues firmly, "-and I discovered that the yolk's laced with hormones almost identical to those found in the human body. Which doesn't make any sense, because yagara aren't mammals, but then before Arabasta I didn't know that it was possible to combine inanimate objects with Akuma no Mi, so it's not entirely out of the question."

He pauses, seeing that Luffy and Usopp's eyes are glazed over.

"Chopper, where are you going with this?" Nami asks, slapping the sniper's skull to get his attention.

"Ow!"

"Ah, well, when certain hormone levels fluctuate, your body reacts in very specific ways. I don't understand exactly why stomach acid doesn't destroy those too when it breaks down the cells, but it looks like eating the eggs alters your hormone levels just as easily as if your body itself was producing the chemicals. Luffy doesn't seem to be affected at all, even though he technically absorbed more hormones, and I suspect his abilities have something to do with it. Zoro wasn't as lucky - he's suffering from a serious hormonal imbalance."

"So what?" Sanji asks. "Marimo's already loaded with more testosterone than ten normal guys. That's why he's so empty between the ears."

"Fuck off."

"Err, that's the problem," Chopper mutters, ignoring the squabble brewing between the cook and swordsman. "I'm talking about increased levels of prolactin, cortisol and estradiol and reduced levels of testosterone. I got the same results when I did blood and urine tests, and Zoro's symptoms make sense when you consider what's circulating in his blood stream."

He's greeted by blank stares from everyone except Robin, who stares back at him with eyes widened slightly in surprise, and the doctor realizes he should have known she'd be the only one to understand since she's been borrowing his medical texts for reading material.

"You think it's pseudocyesis?"

"Normally I'd say it resembles couvade syndrome, but when you consider the relationship dynamics on the ship, that's not possible, unless there's something else going on that nobody's told me. It's definitely some form of pseudocyesis. It's the only possible explanation, although I'm still trying to figure out what possible advantage something like this gives a fish and how it affects human bodies. It's not like I could find any case studies."

"Perhaps it assists in controlling the predator population?" Robin suggests thoughtfully. "The yagara have been domesticated now, of course, but it could have been beneficial to wild animals to prevent too many of their eggs from being consumed."

Chopper gives a hum of consideration for her theory and falls silent, considering. Sanji takes advantage of the lull in conversation to prepare drinks for the ladies, carefully wiping the bottle that's been sitting on ice before he pours the glasses.

Luffy nudges under Zoro's arm and curls up at his side, resting his head on the older pirate's lap, because even though he's doesn't have a clue what they're talking about, it's apparently not serious enough to warrant his attention. Whatever's going on, his swordsman can't possibly be that ill considering they're now discussing fish, which is making him hungry, and he drools on Zoro's thigh, hoping it's soon time for dinner.

"Oi," Usopp blurts, because apparently no one else wants to admit that they have no idea what the hell Chopper's just told them. Robin is brighter and more well-read. "So what's wrong with Zoro? Pseudo-psycho-whatever sounds pretty serious. Not that the brave Captain Usopp won't find a cure before it's too late!"

"The psyche may very well play a part in it," Robin muses, studying the swordsman and smiling when she sees that he's now glowering back at both her and the doctor. "Pseudocyesis is false pregnancy."

Usopp, who's swiped Nami's glass when Sanji wasn't looking, loses his stolen drink when it sprays out violently between his lips. The cook accidentally snaps the stem on the wine glass he's offering to Robin and fumbles frantically to avoid dumping the sloshing pieces into the historian's lap. "What the fuck? Zoro's pregnant?"

"FALSE, you idiot, she said FALSE!" Zoro bellows, jumping to his feet and dumping Luffy onto the floor. "Don't be fucking stupid!"

Nami mops wine off the tabletop with a napkin and wonders when Sanji's going to realize that his fingers are bleeding. "Well, it explains why he seems to be throwing up every time I see him."

"Nausea and sensitivity to certain odors are common," Chopper agrees. "It's also probably responsible for his headaches and difficulty sleeping, and there's quite a few other symptoms that wouldn't surprise me very much either: diarrhea, weight gain-"

"Hrrrm, that one makes complete sense. Marimos should be round."

Intent on causing Sanji bodily harm, Zoro's taken completely by surprise when he's suddenly flattened against the bench seat by a flailing body. Luffy's eyes are enormous as he stares incredulously into the swordsman's face, his arms and legs stretching where they're wrapped several times around the older pirate's torso. He wiggles excitedly. "Zoro, did we make a baby?"

"Wha- NO! Get off me!"

"Luffy, pseudocyesis is psychosomatic. He isn't really pregnant, his body just thinks he is."

"Thanks a lot, Chopper," Zoro grunts, struggling to fend off the captain's hands, which are now patting curiously at his stomach because Luffy's either completely missed or tuned out the doctor's explanation. "You're doing a great job of making me sound like a fucking lunatic."

"That'd be so cool," Usopp breathes, nudging Franky's arm. "-having the world's greatest swordsman and the pirate king as parents?"

"Yeah, any kid of ours is guaranteed to be awesome," Luffy declares gleefully. "Right, Zoro?"

"Stop encouraging him, moron! And you, get your goddamn hands out of there!"

Nami swats the sniper upside the head. "Those two cause enough trouble already without adding to it!"

"What a nightmarish thought," Sanji mutters, wrapping a kitchen towel around his bleeding hand and retrieving a fresh glass for Robin. He's relieved when Zoro succeeds in extricating Luffy's hands from under his haramaki and hurriedly stuffs his shirt back into his pants. "I can only imagine the state of my pantry if their offspring inherited that rubber bastard's appetite."

"Oi, can you imagine how much Luffy would eat if he got pregnant?"

"We'd starve."

"We might starve anyway if he doesn't stop hanging around the goddamn kitchen."

"It's obviously medically impossible," Robin says slowly, watching as the captain tries to press an ear against Zoro's abdomen and yelps as he's punched in the head. "-but I think Luffy and Kenshi-san would have absolutely adorable children."

"Not you too," Nami groans. "I can't imagine Luffy with kids - he's too much of one himself."

Usopp grins and pokes Franky again, asking the shipwright if they've got building supplies onboard for designing a crib, and Sanji snorts and tells Nami that she'll need to fork out beli for formula, because it's obvious that Marimo's incapable of lactation. The navigator tells him to shove off, but she's snickering under her breath, and even Robin starts giggling behind the hand over her mouth. Zoro glares at them all, bristling menacingly.

"This is exactly why I thought telling them was a shitty idea," the swordsman grumbles at Chopper, face flushed with embarrassment. "I told you they'd laugh their asses off, but nooo, you said, they'll take it seriously because it's a medical condition, you said."

His stomach, rolling over suddenly with a sensation that makes him feel like diving for the nearest wastebasket, utters a horribly loud gurgling noise, and Luffy squeals, looking just as excited as when Iceburg unveiled their new ship. Zoro glares at him and hiccups.

"Oi, pregnant or not, if you barf all over my nice clean floor," Sanji warns, lifting a leg and bouncing his toe tip threateningly against the bench next to the swordsman's leg before leaning in to jab Zoro in the chest hard enough to make him wince. "-I'm gonna kick your-"

No one is prepared when Luffy's fist slams the cook into the dining table hard enough to split wood, sending Nami and Robin's empty glasses flying and Usopp spilling out of his chair into the historian's lap.

"Luffy!"

"Sanji, are you okay?"

"Oi, what's the deal, Mugiwara?"

Usopp struggles to his feet, offering an distracted apology to Robin because his eyes are locked on the captain. Luffy is crouched at Zoro's feet, one arm spread protectively in front of the startled swordsman, and when he lifts his head enough for them to see past the hat brim shadow covering his eyes, his pupils are constricted into pin points.

"O-Oi," the sniper stammers nervously. He's seen that look before, aimed at him, and he returned to the ship thinking he never wants to see it directed at a crew mate again.

"Ow," Sanji groans from the floor, reaching around to massage his lower spine. "What the hell, Luffy?"

"Don't," their captain growls, putting such force behind the words that the cook flinches back, cracking his head against the damaged table. "-touch Zoro!"

There's a moment of stunned silence. Luffy readjusts his clenched knuckles, producing popping sounds that seem deafening to his shocked crew, and waits, nostrils flared and teeth clenched. Sanji's face darkens and he tenses, ready to spring to his feet. He's not entirely sure what the hell's gotten into Luffy's head, but if the other pirate actually wades in, he's not going to hold back.

"You idiot," Zoro mutters wearily, rubbing a hand over his eyes. He grabs the captain's outstretched arm and lurches to his feet, dragging Luffy with him as he stalks into the infirmary. "Gimmie a second. I'll try to talk some sense into him."

The door slams shut behind them, cutting off the captain's protests that he's going to kick the cook's ass for jeopardizing his kid's safety. Nami and Usopp stare at each other speechlessly, and Chopper is shaking his head in exasperation, but Robin can't help smiling at Luffy's sudden over-protectiveness.

Sanji, now sitting cross-legged on the floor, digs outs a cigarette and searches for his lighter, grumbling irritably when he remembers Chopper confiscated it earlier, stating that he didn't want Zoro bolting out of the meeting earlier because the smoke was making him ill. "Shit."

"Does stuff like that, eh, happen often?" Franky gestures to the table's splintered edge, wondering nervously if he should have stocked the ship with more raw materials for repairs.

Nami sighs, giving him a weak smile. "These guys tend to be a little hard on everything."

"Does Luffy really not know basic biology?" Chopper asks Robin, looking extremely worried, because there's angry shouting now escaping the closed door.

"I think Marimo's enlightening him."

"Sencho-san was obviously aware where pregnancy leads. Maybe he just doesn't understand because his own body's so different from everyone else's," Robin offers, reaching down to lift the anxious doctor onto the empty chair beside her. "Akuma no Mi allows us to do a lot of things that normal people consider impossible, so it's probably very difficult for him to believe you when you tell him it's out of the question."

She smoothes Chopper's fur, smiling when he giggles. "Although I don't think Kenshi-san was expecting such a strong reaction, or he would have insisted on telling him privately."

There's a loud crack, followed by the sound of objects falling and muffled cursing, and Franky twitches visibly. "Ah-"

The door bangs open as Zoro bursts out of the room and storms past them. There's blood dripping from his nose and mouth, and he exits the dining hall without speaking, despite Chopper's frenzied insistence that he needs medical treatment.

When the swordsman's gone, Luffy slinks out, and Nami's demand that he explain himself dies unspoken in her throat when she sees the forlorn expression slowly overtaking the anger on the captain's face. She slumps back in her seat with a sigh. "Honestly…"

Luffy glances around the room, seeming to find himself at a loss for words, and then he surprises them all by rushing over and forcing himself into Sanji's lap, clinging to the cook's jacket lapels as he buries his face against the other man's neck.

"O-Oi," Sanji stammers, his hands fluttering helplessly for a moment before he finally settles them cautiously against the whimpering pirate's back. He can't remember Luffy ever seeking him out for comfort before; on the rare occasions that their captain needs a touch stone to ground himself, he always goes to Roronoa. While the cook doesn't particularly want to admit that he only qualifies as Luffy's second choice, he feels a flash of anger at Zoro for making him turn to someone else.

He pats the captain's back awkwardly, turning his head to glare at Chopper. "Exactly why did you guys feel it necessary to spring this shit on us? Why didn't you just let us keep thinking that jerk had a cold or the flu or something 'til he got over this?"

"I didn't think anyone would react this badly," the doctor mumbles miserably. "And I don't know how long it's going to take for Zoro's body to process the imbalance. He's really worried that it's going to affect his ability to fight, if we're attacked by the Marines or another pirate ship."

Usopp snorts. "Easy. When he thinks he's gonna barf, we just aim him at the enemy side."

"I'm serious! If he's too physically and mentally exhausted to fight, it's going to make things more difficult for the rest of us. You know he and Luffy always take on some of our most powerful opponents, and we can't know what will happen if we run into any serious battles without everyone in top form."

The doctor wrings his hooves, distress clear on his face. "He was right - I didn't think this through well enough! He doesn't need everyone laughing at him right now. It's just putting more strain on his body."

"Luffy," Robin says gently, "Maybe you should go talk to Kenshi-san."

"Don't wanna," the captain mutters, face still pressed tightly against Sanji's chest. "I'll just hit Zoro again."

The navigator smiles, sprouting a hand from the cook's shoulder that tips Luffy's hat back off his head so it can ruffle his hair. "I seriously doubt that."

He turns a tear-streaked face towards her, snot dripping from his nose, and Sanji cringes inwardly as he glances down at the wet smears on his jacket but doesn't say anything. His restraint earns him smiles from both Nami and Robin, and he decides that a few smeared boogers are well worth earning their praise.

"I'm heading up to the crow's nest," Nami announces as she slides out of her chair. "The log pose is still on course, but we've left the watch unattended for too long."

The navigator nudges Luffy's rump gently with her foot. "Robin's right - go find him. If he's having issues that might endanger the rest of us, we can't afford to have you guys arguing."

xxx

Luffy guesses that there's twenty different places where Zoro might be brooding, and it's likely that Nami might find the swordsman first when she reaches the crow's nest but the captain heads straight for the men's quarters, relying on the unexplained instinct that seems to guide him to the older pirate's side. He sometimes thinks there's an invisible string connecting them but the one time he tried to explain it out loud, he couldn't find the right words and Zoro turned red and hit him, grumbling that he didn't believe in fate.

But sure enough, he finds him stretched out on the nearest sofa and, ignoring the murderous scowl that's directed at him, scrambles to join him. The swordsman huffs and turns away, so Luffy tucks himself against his back. The cushions aren't very wide and Zoro takes up a lot of space, so he's forced to cling tightly to keep from falling.

"Sanji kicked me out of the kitchen, and Robin and Nami said I should apologize," he explains, voice muffled because he's smashing his face against the swordsman's shoulder. There's a pause before he continues, a note of sulkiness entering his voice. "But I'm not sorry I punched Zoro for saying we'd make bad parents."

"You never told me you wanted a kid," Zoro mutters gruffly, glaring straight ahead and refusing to turn over at his captain's insistent tugging at his shoulder.

"I just decided."

It's such a typical Luffy answer that the swordsman can't help snorting even though he's still angry. He tenses as warm hands wrestle his haramaki aside and slide under his shirt, fingertips tracing the rough ridge across his chest. He doesn't know why, but the younger pirate sometimes seems obsessed with touching the scar, and while Zoro knows that Mihawk's blow might have killed him, Luffy's concern always confuses him because it's normally not like the captain to concentrate too heavily on the past.

"Don't-"

"I won't," Luffy grumbles good-naturedly in his ear. "Just wanna touch."

He expects another protest, but Zoro falls silent, so he resumes exploring the chest and belly beneath his hands. His touch confirms what he suspected earlier in the evening when he kept getting hit for being too touchy-feely; the swordsman feels different, like there's an extra squishy layer covering his muscles.

Zoro's doing a pretty good job of feigning absolute disinterest until one wandering hand encounters a nipple, and he nearly dumps them both off the sofa, thrashing and yelling at Luffy to stop.

"I wasn't pinching!" The captain protests, resisting the swordsman's attempts to shove him away by wrapping his legs around his hips. "Wow, Zoro's really sensitive..."

This statement results in a flurry of fists and this time they do fall on the floor.

"I'm not a goddamn-!" Zoro breaks off, grunting as his stomach cramps unexpectedly. He props himself up on his elbows, gagging and coughing, and Luffy scurries out of the way, watching cautiously until he's sure that the swordsman's not going to throw up on him.

When he can finally breathe again, the older pirate slumps facedown on the floor. "-this really sucks."

"I wiped my nose on Sanji's jacket," Luffy offers helpfully, because he's well aware that the swordsman's always amused by anything that makes the cook look foolish. "He didn't hit me, but he looked kinda like he did yesterday when Zoro barfed on his feet again."

Sighing, Zoro rolls over so he can stare up at Luffy, but he doesn't bother trying to sit up. "Bet ero-cook loved you doing that in front of the women."

The captain, quickly deciding that the floor's just as good as the sofa, sprawls across him without waiting for an invitation. He starts to lay his head on Zoro's chest and stops when the swordsman fends him off, frowning at his wince. "Did Sanji really kick that hard?"

"..."

Chopper's list of symptoms included something about tender breasts, but there's no way he's going to try explaining to Luffy why his pectoral muscles ache like someone took an enthusiastic sledgehammer to them. This is still not as disquieting, however, as the fact that he's been avoiding walking around bare-chested as usual because he's afraid that his crew mates will keep asking him if he's cold.

If it was just the vomiting and the headaches and shitty sleeping, he might have still considered this whole thing as a big joke regardless of Chopper's allegations, but he's never heard of the flu giving somebody constantly hard, achy nipples.

Unfortunately for the swordsman, Luffy's struck by one of those moments of clarify that make him so aggravating. His eyes narrow suspiciously as he pats lightly at the swordsman's torso. "Zoro isn't growing boobs like Nami and-"

"God, no," Zoro chokes. "I think I'd kill myself first."

"Good, cause Zoro would look weird with boobs." Luffy states matter-of-factly, resting his chin on the swordsman's bicep. He's seen enough during their travels to know that pregnant women get really huge everywhere, and he thinks Zoro would have a tough time swinging a sword with those bouncy things in the way. Besides, he doesn't particularly like the idea of Sanji adding a marimo mellorine to his collection.

So, no boobs, although as he cuddles closer and looks down at his hand where it's resting on the swordsman's abdomen, he finds he's slightly intrigued with the other part. He wrinkles his brow, trying to imagine what Zoro would look like with a really big-

"Oi, Luffy, quit poking me."

"But I didn't- oh." He wriggles against the swordsman's hip, grinning at Zoro's exasperated expression.

"I'm sure I'm better off not knowing whatever the hell you're thinking."


	2. Chapter 2

Nami doesn't realize that she's fallen asleep in her beach chair until she's woken by Robin's soft laughter. When she opens her eyes, squinting because the sun's blaring down from a cloudless sky this afternoon, she sees the historian hiding her smile behind one graceful hand and sits up, craning her neck to see what's causing the older woman's amusement.

"Look," Robin chuckles, pointing at the grass where Zoro's dozing a few feet away. "I know Kenshi-san would disagree with me, but he looks awfully cute right now."

Looking at the swordsman and laughing out loud, Nami has to agree, even considering the drool slowly escaping one corner of his slack mouth. Although he was alone earlier when he joined them on the deck and muttered something about taking a nap, he's been joined by both Luffy and Chopper while Nami herself nodded off.

The captain is tucked against Zoro's back, one arm and leg thrown carelessly around the swordsman and his cheek mashed against the older pirate's neck, muffling his faint snoring. Chopper, hat resting on the ground where it's fallen off beside them, is curled into a snug ball against Zoro's chest, where one well-muscled arm holds him securely like a living stuffed animal.

"I never thought I'd hear anyone use Zoro and cute in the same sentence, but you're right." Actually, she thinks, the guys are all a lot cuter when they're sleeping peacefully and not charging around the ship training and squabbling and eating and breaking everything they touch.

Robin lifts the book dangling from her other hand. "It's a shame. I've never seen Kenshi-san look so relaxed, but our doctor says he expects it won't last longer than a few more days."

"He might be more mellow than usual, but he still tried to throw Sanji overboard this morning," Nami points out, although she doesn't quite blame Zoro for losing his temper. She's not particularly sensitive about her weight, but she thinks she'd probably try to drown the cook too if he called her a pudgy marimo. Granted, she also thinks the swordsman overreacted; it's only a couple extra pounds, and she's sure he'll sweat them right off as soon as Chopper agrees to let him start using his weights again.

She watches as Luffy tightens his arm around Zoro's middle, mumbling in his sleep. "At least he's not throwing up all the time anymore. Franky keeps insisting we need to buy more grass seed to patch the lawn, and I know Sanji needs more shoe polish."

"Yes," the historian agrees without looking up from the page she's reading. "I can do without the vomit."

"Do you-" Nami hesitates. "Do you think Luffy's still upset? That this isn't real?"

Lowering her book again, Robin takes another look at the heap of sleeping nakama. Chopper, obviously caught up in a dream, wriggles in his sleep and Zoro sneezes loudly as the reindeer's fur tickles his nose. The swordsman paws irritably at his face, scowling, but he doesn't wake.

"I will admit, his reaction was a bit surprising. Sencho-san's mind works in mysterious ways."

This, the navigator thinks but does not say out loud, is the understatement of the century.

"I'm not sure he ever considered the idea before circumstances forced him to do so." Robin tucks a marker in her book and sets it down beside her. "Luffy can be difficult to read, and he tries very, very hard to avoid dwelling on the past."

She glances over, and Nami sees that her brow is slightly furrowed. "But I think we all know what it's like to feel regret and wonder what might have been had things gone differently, and our captain is no exception, even if he often hides his sorrow with laughter."

The navigator lowers her eyes, fingers unconsciously seeking and tracing the emblem tattooed on her arm, because yes, she knows quite well what Robin means.

"Luffy will deal with this just as he deals with everything else. I believe that we should be more concerned with the other participant in this difficult situation."

"You mean Zoro?" Nami asks in surprise, hand dropping into her lap. "Why? I know he gets upset when the guys tease him - and Sanji's especially been kind of a jerk about the whole thing - but Chopper said he'll be fine."

"Physically, yes, as soon as his body recovers from the side effects of the yagara eggs. But the emotional aspects may be more difficult for him to process."

She smiles sadly at the younger woman's confusion. "There's no doubt that Sencho-san's happiness is very important to everyone, but the connection that he and Kenshi-san share goes far beyond what either of them feel for the rest of us, even excluding their obvious physical attraction to each other. You've been with this crew for much longer than myself, but from what I've seen, Kenshi-san would go anywhere and do anything that Luffy asked him."

Chopper wakes suddenly, and they watch in silence as the doctor squirms out of Zoro's grasp and trudges across the lawn, dragging his hat behind him, to flop down on a shadier patch of grass under one of the trees by the dining hall. The reindeer is panting, tongue hanging from his mouth. "Hot~"

Grumbling and groping around blindly, Zoro seizes the arm curled around him and rolls over on his back, dragging Luffy against his chest. The captain's eyes blink open lazily, assessing that the swordsman's still asleep, and promptly drift closed again.

"He would do anything," Robin murmurs, so low that Nami needs to strain her ears to hear the historian's words. "-but he's finally found one thing that he cannot do for Sencho-san, no matter how much he wishes otherwise."

xxx

Zoro lifts his head from where his arms rest folded on the table before him and yawns widely, earning a sharp poke in the shoulder from the handle of the serving spoon Sanji's grasping.

"Oi, Marimo, quit sleeping at the table."

The swordsman glares at him but doesn't have the energy to respond with anything more than "bite me, ero-cook" before tucking his forehead against the crook of his arm with a muffled grumble. He's glad the odors wafting from the platters of food sitting on the table aren't making his stomach feel like it wants to crawl out his throat anymore, but he's so freaking tired that he isn't sure he has the energy to chew much less smash the annoying eyebrow bastard through the dining hall wall.

"Zoro, are you feeling alright?" This from Chopper, who's been watching him like a goddamn hawk ever since this started, and that analogy makes his shoulders twitch. Hawk, Hawk Eyes. How the fuck is he supposed to fight Mihawk like this? Not that running into the master swordsman any time soon is likely, but then Zoro wasn't really expecting him to show up at the Baratie back then either.

"Fine," he snarls into his elbow, immediately regretting it when the doctor squeaks in alarm and dives for Robin's lap. "Shit. Sorry, Chopper, I'm just tired."

Nami and Usopp exchange glances. Even Sanji looks slightly taken aback, because the swordsman never apologizes or makes excuses for himself.

"Zoro's really grumpy today," Luffy frowns, detaching himself from the cook's shoulders - where he's been clinging for ready access to plates being transferred to the table, undeterred by fingers yanking his cheek hard enough to stretch it a good five inches from his face - and dropping into the open chair next to the swordsman. "Cheer up; we've got meat!"

The captain helps himself, completely ignoring Sanji's protests that the ladies be served first, but surprises everyone by sliding the first portion onto Zoro's plate rather than into his own mouth; that done, he commences the usual feeding frenzy that leaves his nakama scrambling to grab anything edible before their shares disappear.

"I suppose it's too much to wish," Sanji sighs glumly, "-that we have one meal where somebody gets to actually taste the food that I obviously spend too much time preparing."

"It's very good, Cook-san," Robin responds soothingly, and then blinks as reaching fingers pinch a morsel from her plate. "Ah."

"Don't steal Robin's lunch, shitty bastard!"

"She wasn't eating it, so I thought she didn't want it!" Luffy protests, following up with a grunt as the serving spoon that's just left the cook's hand hits him square between the eyes and yo-yos his head backwards. Nami and Usopp duck the ricocheting utensil, and the navigator contemplates leaning across the table to slap the captain upside his idiot head, but she doesn't dare leave her plate unguarded for that long.

"Zoro, you should really eat that before Luffy changes his mind."

"Not hungry, lemme sleep."

Luffy peers at the older pirate's tensed shoulders and reaches over to rub his back with the hand not shoveling food into his own face, laughing delightedly and spraying Usopp with bits of food when Zoro sags under his touch and nearly slides rights off his seat, held upright only by the way he's slumping against Luffy's side.

"Ugh, Luffy, don't share food you've already chewed," Nami reprimands sharply as the sniper brushes at his overalls, expression twisted in a grimace of disgust.

"Sorry," the captain tells them both, voice muffled around the drumstick pursed between his lips. He slurps the whole thing into his mouth, chewing furiously, then - just as Nami's convinced he's actually swallowed it whole - spits the stripped bone onto his empty plate.

He curls an arm around the swordsman leaning against his shoulder, beaming happily when Zoro grumbles faintly but doesn't pull away even when their interaction draws amused glances from the others. Ever since he ate the mystery food that Chopper says is responsible for his weird behavior, the swordsman's been a lot more easily tempted into public displays of affection, something that Luffy's enjoying immensely because it involves a lot less flailing and cursing than usual. Although chasing Zoro down and pinning him to the deck while he throws a fit that people are watching is a lot of fun too.

Sanji opens his mouth to tell the captain that he better start bathing a bit more frequently because it looks as though he might be growing mold, judging by that fuzzy green thing currently attached to him, but he's preempted by the static-laden whine of the look out tower megaphone.

"Oi, Mugiwara, you guys might wanna come check this out. We got company! Looks like- OH SHIT!"

There's an ominous whistling that increases in volume, followed by a watery crash that shakes the Sunny violently, and then Franky starts yelling again. "Haul your asses out here; they're firing on us!"

"What the hell's another ship doing so close to the Florian Triangle?" Nami gasps, ignoring Usopp whimpering and flailing next to her because he's bitten his tongue.

"And I thought we were the only ones stupid enough to come this way..."

Sleep immediately forgotten, Zoro bolts upright, knocking his chair to the floor behind him. Finally, finally, someone to take the brunt of the stress and irritation that's been building in him over the past few days. He's been spoiling for a fight, and nobody on board's been willing to give it to him - the cook included - possibly because none of them have forgotten Luffy's mistaken but violent reaction to his swordsman being threatened. The swordsman would much prefer to think that Sanji's just being a pansy-ass lately than just deferring to the captain, but now it doesn't matter.

His hand reaches automatically for the swords strapped at his side, seeking Kitetsu's hilt first because he knows it's been feeling just as frustrated and useless as himself, and his fingers encounter empty air.

"Zoro stays here," Luffy says quietly, and the swordsman whirls to find all three still-sheathed swords clutched firmly in his captain's grasp. He immediately extends a hand to grab them back, and the younger pirate steps out of his range.

"Luffy, quit fucking around and give me my swords."

"No."

There's another whistle and roar of water making way, much closer this time and accompanied by the splintering of wood, and Franky utters an aggravated shout and demands they get out here, NOW, but everyone in the gallery is frozen, eyes locked on the scene playing out before them.

"I don't give a shit what Chopper told you!" Zoro growls, gesturing at the doctor without looking, and the reindeer flinches and nearly backs right off Robin's lap, because the swordsman is downright seething with rage. "I can fight, so give back my goddamn swords!"

"No. Zoro stays here." Luffy states again firmly, ignoring the murderous gleam in the older man's eyes as he shoves all three swords into a startled Nami's arms. "Hang on and I'll be right back, okay?"

"S-Sure," the navigator agrees nervously, because she's never, ever deliberately touched the weapons without permission before, even if she does eye them speculatively now and then, wondering exactly what they're worth.

"I-I've got to take a leak, so I'll be hiding in the b-b-bathroom now," Usopp stammers as he scrambles to hide behind Robin and the equally terrified Chopper, determined to put some distance behind himself and Nami before the navigator decides she really doesn't want to die and tries to hand the swords off to him instead.

"Nami-" Zoro starts, his voice thick with anger, and she nearly shrieks in surprise as one of the swords twitches suddenly in her grasp, rattling in its sheath, but the swordsman's interrupted by Luffy's fist knotting in his shirt and yanking him off balance.

"Zoro. Stays. Here."

Growling, the older pirate slams his fist down on the table hard enough to rattle the partially-empty dishes, but when he tears out of Luffy's grasp, he drops heavily onto the bar bench and turns his back on them, because the captain is speaking with the tone that he rarely uses to address his crew. The one that says I'm in charge, so sit down and shut up.

"Be right back," Luffy promises again, giving a reassuring grin to Nami, who looks as though she might protest his leaving the room even if it now sounds like the ship is being literally bombarded with canon balls. "Gotta go before Franky starts freaking out. Sanji?"

The cook nods and moves to join him, hand brushing whisper-light against the swordsman's elbow as he passes, because he can't help feeling reluctant sympathy. Zoro stiffens as though he's been slapped, and in that moment he wants very badly to break every one of Sanji's delicate fingers, even though he knows the other man's not responsible for their captain's decision.

He glares down at the countertop, half-wishing for the varnish to bubble and smolder under his gaze, and ignores the faint burning in his eyes and the moisture collecting on the shiny surface below, because - imbalanced hormones or not - there's no fucking way Roronoa Zoro is crying because his captain picked someone else to fight at his side.

xxx

They sit in uncomfortable silence, aware of but not actually concentrating to hear the raucous chaos outside. Nami stares at Zoro's back, clutching the bundle of swords in her lap and praying that she just imagined that earlier movement. She knows the swordsman sometimes talks to his blades, although usually not in earshot of the other Straw Hats if he can help it, and she's noticed that Luffy avoids touching the swords - especially the one Zoro calls Kitetsu - unless it's absolutely necessary.

The swordsman makes a strangled-sounding noise that sounds suspiciously like a sob, and Nami thinks it's impossible for the room to go any quieter, but it does. The sight of Zoro's hunched shoulders twists something deep in her stomach as she recalls her conversation with Robin earlier this afternoon, and she cautiously places the swords on the table where she can still see but doesn't need to touch them. If for some unfathomable reason they really do react to their master's mood, she does not want her hands anywhere near them, even if one is severely damaged and they are all sheathed and marginally less dangerous in that state.

Usopp fidgets nervously beside her, having returned to his seat when he decided that Zoro probably wasn't going to snap and kill everyone in the room. Chopper looks equally restless as he perches on Robin's thighs, listening distractedly to Luffy's wild laughter and the occasional explosion, but the historian - whose experiences have long ago taught her to eat when she can - is slowly but methodically cleaning her plate.

Eventually the racket outside dies down and the victors troop back in, grinning with faces smeared with soot and smelling faintly of smoke. They're accompanied by Franky, who's torn between moaning over the repairs he'll need to complete on the ship and praising his nakama for saving Sunny from further damage.

"Eyebrow-bro was just super," he tells Nami excitedly, missing the fact that said eyebrow is twitching in annoyance, because no matter what Sanji says, the cyborg won't stop calling the cook by that stupid nickname. "But why didn't Zoro- what, what's wrong, Nagappanna?"

Usopp, who immediately started waving both hands for Franky to stop, just please stop talking already as soon as the oblivious cyborg opened his mouth, cringes as the swordsman turns to face them, his voice dangerously low. "I would've, but some idiot decided I'd be better off sitting on my ass, collecting dust."

"Marimo, just drop it already. You know Luffy wouldn't-"

Zoro's hand shoots out and grabs the cook by the throat, his fingers squeezing tightly enough that the man's forced to stop talking so he can concentrate on breathing. One hand rises to grip the angry swordsman's wrist, but Sanji keeps both feet planted firmly on the ground, unwilling to encourage him.

Nami's rising from her chair, determined to put an end to the squabble before it escalates into actual bloodshed, but it's Luffy who grabs Zoro's pierced earlobe and jerks the swordsman's head down until he's forced to release the cook, wincing and cursing at the captain. The navigator flinches; she wouldn't have gone for the earrings.

"Wanna fight somebody, fight me." Luffy's voice is deceptively soft, but there's no mistaking the steel underneath.

"Fine," Zoro snarls, wrenching his head free. His ear stings like mad, but he doesn't care. "Let's go."

"Luffy, Zoro, don't-" Chopper's protest dies unfinished as the captain turns his head to glare at the rest of his crew and orders them to stay put until he tells them otherwise.

No one argues, although Nami twitches back visibly as the swordsman's hand moves in her direction, reaching for the swords still heaped in front of her.

"Leave 'em," the captain says, catching Zoro's sleeve before his fingers can do more than brush Kitetsu's hilt. "No swords, and no gomu attacks."

"Whatever."

Luffy rocks back on his heels, expression blank and unreadable, as the older pirate shoves past him and stalks out the open door. The tension lightens perceptively with his exit, and Usopp jumps out of his seat, stumbling over his words as he begs their captain to please not do this because it reminds him entirely too much of another fight between nakama not so long ago, but Luffy just grins unconcernedly and tells Chopper that he might be needed in a few minutes.

Zoro doesn't bother waiting for Luffy to announce he's ready to fight; he launches an attack the moment the younger pirate sets foot onto the deck, and they trade blows outside the dining hall, until the empty-handed swordsman backs Luffy to the top of the slide and promptly kicks him down it, following closely behind.

The captain rolls with the impact and, when he reaches the grass on the deck below, immediately springs to his feet, crouching low to avoid the boot aimed at his head. He sweeps out one of his own feet and easily kicks Zoro's other leg out from under him, no stretching needed, and the swordsman crashes face-first into the lawn deck.

"Zoro should leave the kicking to Sanji."

He intends the comment to piss Zoro off if not send him into an outright frenzy, and the older pirate reacts as expected, snarling threats as he bounds to his feet and lunges after Luffy, who's backing away. It's simplicity for the captain to duck low and flip the uncoordinated attack over his shoulder, and Zoro lands hard on his back, coughing and gagging soundlessly because it feels as though all the air was expelled from his lungs by Luffy's elbow slamming into his solar plexus.

He rolls over onto all fours, retching, and realizes that the captain's backed off again and is watching him silently, arms at his sides. He actually looks bored, and anger overrides the swordsman's inability to get a decent breath of air.

The third and final time, when he finds himself plastered upside down against the wall outside the men's quarters, he finally understands why Luffy told everyone else to stay inside. Dragging himself into a sitting position and wincing as his shoulders and back protest, he glares up at the captain. "You didn't-"

His diaphragm doesn't want to work properly, and Luffy waits patiently even though it's a moment or two before he can start again. "You didn't give a shit if Usopp had an audience while you beat the crap out of him."

"Usopp was ready to fight for what he believed in, not make himself look like an idiot," the captain states coldly. "I'm done here."

Zoro's face goes deathly pale and he rises slowly to his feet. His fist is swinging out even before he realizes it, but he doesn't pull the punch because he knows Luffy's just going to dodge and fucking clobber him again anyway, and he's hoping the captain will just knock him out already so he doesn't keep seeing that disappointment in the smaller pirate's eyes.

To his horrified surprise, Luffy doesn't dodge, doesn't even bring up an arm to deflect the blow. It hits him square in the jaw hard enough to spin his head like a top - which Zoro thinks would be a hell of a lot funnier under different circumstances - and throws him clear across the lawn deck. He hits the mast forcefully enough to send splinters of wood flying and collapses face-first into a motionless heap.

Rage consumed instantaneously by terror, the swordsman races to his side and turns him over with trembling hands, hoping desperately that he hasn't accidentally accomplished what a hell of a lot of other pirates and Marines alike have been attempting and failing to do for months now.

"Ow." Luffy grumbles, glaring up at him, and Zoro sits down hard, breath catching in his throat because his heart's running an endless marathon in his chest.

"Y-You idiot! Why didn't you MOVE?"

"That hurt!" Luffy whines, turning his head away to spit bloody phlegm and oh god, that better not be a tooth or Chopper's going to kill them both. "Zoro hits even harder than Nami!"

"I thought you were gonna block it!"

"Zoro owed me one." Luffy squints up at him and smiles brightly at the swordsman's shocked expression, and fucking hell, it was a tooth, because there's a gaping hole in that huge grin.

He digs expectantly and then a bit more frantically through the grass beside them, knowing that Nami's going to raise his interest through the roof for this if Chopper can't reattach the damn thing and they need to visit an actual hospital at the next island, and sighs in relief when he finally locates what he's pretty sure is a molar.

"You think there's any food left?"

Zoro gives an exasperated growl. "I don't know, and I don't care. Luffy, I could have broken your frickin' neck!"

"Maybe, if I wasn't rubber."

The captain stops there, but he's got that look again that means he's saying more than the words coming out his mouth, and the swordsman hears all of it loud and clear. Luffy's rubber and capable of taking a lot of damage, but their nakama aren't, and a chill shivers up Zoro's spine as he realizes that he really could have broken someone's neck, if he'd been fighting Sanji, or Usopp or even Nami.

This stupid malady's definitely affecting his strength, or else he wouldn't have lost so easily, but it's also playing hell with his self-control, and that's more dangerous.

"Spar with Sanji, but save the real fighting for me," Luffy tells him, or tries to tell him, because his tongue is busy exploring the empty hole in his mouth so it all comes out sounding like gibberish. It doesn't matter; he knows from Zoro's expression that the swordsman understands.

Cupping the loose tooth carefully in one hand, the older pirate struggles to his feet and dusts himself off. "Let's get you to Chopper."

Luffy ignores the hand extended down to him and reaches over to tug on his trouser leg. "I'm tired. Carry me."

Zoro grumbles, but he leans down and scoops his captain up anyway, snorting at the arms and legs that wrap around his torso like octopus tentacles. "Don't ask for much, do you, Sencho?"

"Nope," Luffy laughs in his ear. "I just wanna finish lunch. Oh, and makeup sex! I want lots and lots of makeup sex."

"Heh, I think that can be arranged..."

xxx

Chopper panics at the sight of the molar in Zoro's palm, and it takes Sanji and Franky combined to corral the screaming, flailing reindeer and remind him rather forcibly that while he may not be a dentist, he certainly is a doctor and therefore responsible for ensuring that the tooth makes it safely back into Luffy's head.

The captain, who insists on proudly displaying the bloody hole to anyone who will look as well as those who won't, doesn't understand why Usopp cringes and flees the room with excuses that he needs to finish an important project in his workshop. When Nami threatens to knock out a few more teeth if Luffy doesn't stop breathing in her face, Zoro snags him by the scruff and drops into the nearest empty seat, pinning the younger pirate securely against his chest.

"Move it, Chopper. I can't promise I'll be able to hold him for long."

Sanji deposits the squirming doctor on the table beside them, and when he leans over, the swordsman catches a glimpse of the vivid finger-marks his chokehold left on the cook's pale neck. He's found himself wanting to throttle the bastard more than once, but now that he's actually done it, or tried to - and due to a lack of control rather than a fair fight - it doesn't make him feel quite the way he expected.

"Oi, cook. I-"

"Don't you dare tell me you're sorry," Sanji growls, punching him in the shoulder. "Quit acting all goddamn girly, unless you want me to kick you through the ceiling."

Zoro bristles, unable to retaliate because he's got both hands busy preventing Luffy from slithering out of his lap. "Who'd wanna apologize to YOU, goddamn curly-brow?"

Nami, who's passing behind them on her way to the kitchen sink, puts down her empty plate and dirty silverware long enough to bang their heads together. "Enough! Now give Chopper a hand before Luffy swallows that damn thing!"

The doctor, who has hopped off the table and transformed to Heavy Point during the argument, is trying unsuccessfully to re-insert the freshly rinsed tooth into the empty socket. He keeps missing because Luffy won't hold still and won't stop talking.

"Sanji, Sanji! Is there any meat left?"

"For the love of-"

"Oi, Marimo, don't let go."

Sanji leans forward over his nakama's shoulders to grab Luffy by the face, jamming four fingers into either side of the captain's mouth and pulling. Chopper makes a startled noise, and the cook's sure that Luffy's face looks freaky as hell stretched out like that, but the doctor recovers quickly and goes to work.

He finishes none too soon, because Luffy's started writhing like an agitated python, rubbing against Zoro's lap in all the right ways at the wrong time, and Chopper nearly loses a finger as Sanji abruptly releases the captain's jaws and stumbles backwards because the swordsman's just groaned in his ear.

"Quit moaning at me, shitty bastard!"

"In your dreams, dartboard- Oi!"

Luffy, having already forgotten the dental procedure he's just undergone, has realized that he's being poked rather firmly in the rump and has swiveled around on Zoro's lap to face him, his newly repaired grin taking up most of his face as he fishes the swordsman's shirt hem out of his haramaki. "Zoro, you promised~"

"Not here!"

Luffy flails momentarily as he's lifted onto Zoro's shoulder, throwing an arm around the swordsman's neck to anchor himself as the older pirate rises from his seat. His disappointment at being interrupted vanishes when he realizes that being draped over a shoulder like this puts him within convenient grabbing distance of something else.

"For the next hour or two, everybody stay out of the ba-GACK!" Zoro jumps as a hand worms down the back of his trousers to squeeze one of his ass cheeks and swats Luffy's upended rear sharply in retaliation, drawing a startled yip from the captain. "BATHHOUSE! Everybody stays out!"

"See you guys later!" The younger pirate beams at them as he's carried out the door.

"I've never met anyone quite like you people," Franky observes from where he's standing by the walk-in refrigerator, where he retreated as soon as Nami started knocking heads together.

"You eventually get used to it-" the navigator mutters as Sanji finally realizes what she's doing and rushes to intercept, plucking the dirty plate from her hand and shooing her away from the sink. "-and you learn to knock very loudly and repeatedly on doors before opening them, although it doesn't always do any good."


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note: I've been sitting on this ending because I initially thought I might write more chapters for this fic, but I'm no longer sure I see the point in doing so when I'm writing Crossfire, which is covering just about every emotional and medical issue that I planned to deal with here- and more.

xxx

A few days later, when things start returning to normal, as the nausea and headaches go away, and certain smirking asshole cooks stop asking for his due date, and after Luffy successfully traumatizes the entire crew by gleefully determining just how sensitive and responsive his hormone-imbalanced swordsman's body really is, Zoro spots the barrel bobbing in the ocean and all hell breaks loose.

He's furious when he's caught off guard in the castle, blaming it entirely on slow reaction time thanks to lack of sleep and the stress his mind and body recently went through. It's a poor consolation, but at least they take Sanji first; it'd be way too humiliating to suffer through the cook's snide comments if he'd been unfortunate to fall victim first.

Luffy's already excited about Brook and Laboon and the prospect of kicking Moria's ass, but Zoro's blood doesn't really start racing until he faces off against that legendary swordsman everyone's been babbling about and gets the chance to test just how out of shape he's gotten. The earlier fighting's been a decent work out, but as he battles Ryuuma and stretches muscles that he hasn't used in weeks, he finally starts feeling really normal again. And he wants that sword.

Then it's over, and he's sprawled on the rooftop panting and watching the flames blazing overheard, and he's trying very hard not to grin like an maniac, because he owes the other swordsman at least that much respect, even if he can hear Brook dancing about and shouting that he's regained his shadow. He's very familiar with the aches and pains he's feeling now, and that's a huge relief.

Sure, he gets put down rather quickly when he launches his furious attack on Oars and has to get rescued by the historian - of all people - but that just means it's time to stop screwing around and break out his bandana.

(And that whole Franky-docking thing? Never happens - and he'll pull steel on anyone who says otherwise.)

He's glad for the chance to get better acquainted with Shuusui, even if his new blade's a bit of a bitch to work with and everyone is screaming at him that he's nuts for challenging somebody that outweighs him by a couple million pounds or so. None of it matters; he's just killing some time until his captain arrives, and Luffy doesn't disappoint, smashing down both Oars and Moria in relatively quick succession.

When Kuma appears in their midst, his only thought is the safety of the unconscious younger pirate on the ground behind him. As he's driven to his knees and the hulking Shichibukai systematically reduces the scenery to rubble and his crew mates to barely breathing bodies, he doesn't care that he can feel the grating of broken ribs or that fresh blood's spilling down the sticky film already drying on his face; he'll defend Luffy with the last breath in his body if necessary, because that smiling rubber idiot means everything.

If the tyrant towering over him wants a head, then so be it, and his last conscious thought is that while he may not be capable of giving Luffy the new life the captain's discovered he wants, he can still offer his own.


End file.
